Hues…

 

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Sometimes I make myself tingle,

Going round and round

Seeing the blurred bright colors

Feeling the electricity

And I never want it to end,

I never want to leave this place of pure bliss,

Where skin meets skin and sweat and body fluids mingle  

I don’t want to think about my mommy issues, suppressed rage or my increasing urge to kill myself.

Yet, I know it’s there,

I feel it; it’s as familiar to me as the scent of my body odor.

I’m sinking now,

Getting cold and remote,

 I ached for the cover of darkness and isolation

Sunlight hurts and light burns,

I yearn for a cool, musky place

Where I can feel no pain and have no expectations,

Where no one can have expectations of me;

It’s dark here, devoid of light, smell and sound.

Yet I can hear them, whispering… calling to me.

Telling me filthy, hateful things,

Teasing me, pushing me…

Thrashing around in my head and I can’t take it anymore.

Please make it stop,

Make it stop… make it stop… please

Screaming does nothing, but I do it nevertheless

I just want to make it stop

I’m in a prison of my own device

Of my own head and my own mind

Wanting to escape, but never being able to

I wish I could go back to the bright lights and furious sex.

Yet the voices constantly whisper to me,

“There is no escape”

“Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide”

There comes a time when I feel as though I can’t go on, yet, my treacherous heart continues to pump blood around my body.

Then, I realize… for me to survive, I have to embrace it

Embrace the madness and the stigma

Embrace the resilience and creativity of my prison

Knowing that they are a part of me

Just as the sweat and heat

Just as the pain and pleasure,

I’m stuck in a cycle destined for misery,

Bright lights then deep darkness

But that’s the reality of my life

No fairytale, no happy ending

So I guess mother, I will always be your SPECIAL child.

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2 thoughts on “Hues…

  1. Pingback: Hues… | Monochromatic Me

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