Sheet turned down
bed empty for the first time in six months
angelic glow hovered just above your pillow
and I remember the peace that I saw last.
like the doves that flew for you yesterday
they never spoke
but as they soared through the late afternoon sky
their beauty was lost
and i was content to just let them be .
sometimes its easy to blame God
for the pain we feel
for putting you in a fight that was never fair…
sometimes its easier to blame God
than to remember;
aching bones and soft skin replaced by leather and scars.
my heart is breaking even now
as I remembered how you suffered,
I should be happy that you no longer feel the pain of the illness
that destroyed your body and my heart.
but i cant,
I’m selfish like that.
wishing that you could stay
just one more day, year decade…
then i could let you go;
after you had gotten married
or had that half-mixed baby that you always joked about…
then i could give you
after you had lived a full and healthy life…then, maybe then…
but we don’t get to make those choices,
don’t get to die before our children,
don’t get to catch the birds once they’ve taken flight.
you planned your ceremony down to the last detail,
maybe it gave you closer,
even now staring down at my nineteen year old’s tombstone
but I love you,
will never forget you
forever remembering the brilliant white sheets and flying doves
and the day you lost the fight.