Just today, or was it yesterday, I was discussing with someone about my past. which is something that i don’t necessarily hide, I think that it is pointless, cause shit just has a way of getting out, plus, it is a lesson learnt. When my parents told me that all the bullshit I did when I was younger would come back to kick me in the ass, I didn’t care, cause I was a rebel in crisis. feeling tied down and subdued, desperate to make others know that I did have a brain.
Funny thing was, when I got the opportunity to use my brain, I made all the wrong choices, broke my father’s heart and retarded some of my professional ambitions.
Anyway, I saw one of my Exes the other day, I’ve always been attracted to much older men and a pretty face, my first child’s father was around my age group and he became a complete DUD, I figured I would try something different. After my experience with that ex in particular, I came to the conclusion that men are just assholes, young, old, ancient. maturity and age don’t always align.
Now, to protect what semblance of a reputation I have regrown for myself lets call this EX “Joseph”, lol, I find that very biblical, even though he was completely on the other spectrum. I was attracted to his intelligence and charm, he could sweet talk a nun into wearing a thong if you allowed him, and sad to say, I fell for it.
Our “relationship began as a sexual relationship, I didn’t like him, or trust him, I felt he was a bit too easy and his answers always fit into the questions too seamlessly. However, one day he did something I never expected, he held my hand, IN PUBLIC! Where I come from, that was something that wasn’t done unless you were serious, because when men had more than one woman they never wanted to acknowledge any one in particular. His well played rouse paid off, I was his. I thought that he was different, after all he WAS older, so I expected him to have his shit together and know what he wanted.
A lot of my family members didn’t like him for me, that was even before they and I found out that he was married, estranged from his wife, fathered a bunch of little bastards and cheated women out of their money. I felt that if I loved him, that they should’ve supported me, yet, they couldn’t, and true to my rebellious nature, I stayed with him to prove a point.
After finding out that he cheated repeatedly, gave me yeast infection, fathered two children while he was with me and charmed me out of my hard earned money, I stayed. Then, he tried to sleep with my sister, and that was the end of it.
I moved on COLD TURKEY, I decided that I would make him regret ever mistreating me. I went to the gym, did a bunch of at home fitness programs and lost almost forty pounds. I wanted that slime to drool when he saw me. Lets just say that it didn’t happen, he didn’t care. Not until I started dating my current boyfriend, lover, and hopeful husband. After we started dating the EX and I just seem to constantly be bumping into each other. of course I DIDN’T SPEAK TO HIS NASTY ASS! But he made himself available to always be in my way, then he started saying hi, and texting. There were times I wished I could destroy my phone when I saw his messages.
What he didn’t realize that I was older, and wiser and grown. I had the love of a man who didn’t always like to hold my hand in public, but he loved me in private. He loved my child as if he had made her himself. He embraced my family, and fit into us so seamlessly and I had moved pass all the pretty gold dust and glitter. what had glitter ever done for me, besides flying in my eyes and causing me pain.
I would like to think that I have forgiven him, cause I don’t feel the same hatred and malice that I once had, but it WILL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL, before I allow that man back into my life. Everybody doesn’t deserve FORGIVENESS… some deserve a tank of gasoline
and a blow torch. If only people got what they deserved.