I loved Him

He never belonged with us, and so God took him back. He was such a little thing 2 lbs 4ozs, little more than a hand full and I loved him.

I never thought that my sister was ready to have a child, yes she was older, but she was very childish. To add insult to injury, her “friend” was a dog. Sneaking and hiding to come and sleep in her bed, but never meeting the family or claiming her as his own. she wasn’t ready. Making too many poor decisions that a woman of her age shouldn’t have been making.

however, after she was three months and I saw my sister happy, I was sold. The child’s father had taken off and ran like the coward he was, claiming that he didn’t want to have another child and since she refused to have an abortion then the baby was hers.

She tried, to ready herself and her mind to being a mother, but her body had endured too many years of poor eating and her pre-existing high blood pressure turned into more sinister pre-eclampsia. At 31 weeks, after weeks of trying to stabilize her, she was rushed to have an emergency c-section. I remember crying as they pushed her into the OR to deliver my nephew. As a nurse, I knew that she would be taken care of but I also knew that anything could go wrong.

Two minutes after they put her to sleep, he came, slim, small, but strong. screaming as if his life depended upon it, and it had. He was beautiful, baby Jeron, with smooth curly black hair, which was so long that it curled around his ears. He never opened his eyes, but he had big feet- like a charles. He was perfect, everything was intact so when they rushed him to the NICU I had no doubt that he would survive.

At four AM, I got the call that he wasn’t doing well, was having difficulty breathing and being a nurse I knew that was medical speak for “he was already dead”. I immediately burst into tears, and just as suddenly, I stopped. This had to be a joke, I didn’t know all the facts, maybe they were still resuscitating him, He could be all right. After all I had seen many people at death’s door who came back. Truth be told… I didn’t. I couldn’t remember a single person who crashed for over half hour who they ever got back. But he had to live, he just had to.

After arriving at the hospital twenty minutes later to the sight of my sister, sitting in a room, Baby Jeron blue, his skin waxy and beginning to get cold, I had to face facts…. He was gone.

I never got a chance to know him, but I loved him and I missed him. Sleep on our sweet boy.

pregnancy loss

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7 thoughts on “I loved Him

  1. I imagine it’s hard (having a child after that trauma), but it’s actually the best part, not the worst–your little darling may be the one who allows her to heal, as she pours her life into another little one. So very sorry for your loss.

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